WOW!

WOW! So much time has passed since my last post.

Why haven't I posted?
Too busy, too lazy, too confused, too forgetful, too stuck. Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.
I am busy, but that should not be an excuse! I am lazy, but no excuse there either. Confused? Absolutely. Forgetful, I actually have at times forgotten that I have a blog. And finally stuck - yep, that's the one.

Confused and stuck. When writing for the public eye to see, you want to hide the blemishes, I think. Maybe it's not actually hiding the blemishes, maybe it is more about talking about the blemishes without trying to sound proud or pitiful. Life this year has been rough. We have been faced with challenges that we weren't expecting to face, like Michael losing his job. Not to sound pitiful, but it sucks not knowing how to pay for the future (as in next month). Not to sound proud, but I really don't worry too much about it. So far we are doing okay. Yes, we have had to make some changes in the way we do things, but I know things will work out - don't know how, but know they will.

Kellyanne - well, do I write about the challenges there, or am I invading her privacy? As a mom of a pubescent daughter with special needs I feel like I should write. I know, I myself go searching for every bit of info I can soak up on this issue. If one person finds it and can relate, then it is worth it. However,this continues to be part of the confused and stuck part. What do I write, how do I write it, will it make people uncomfortable, am I exposing too much of Kellyanne? Still confused, still stuck.

Here goes.....Kellyanne will be 11 next month. Looking at her, she doesn't necessarily appear to have such global developmental delay. Spending time with her is another story.  Kellyanne still wears pull ups at night, tantrums, and speaks in choppy sentences. She wakes 3 to 4 times a night and comes into our room to try to sleep in our bed. Sometimes she succeeds. She needs assistance bathing, dressing, wiping, brushing teeth, taking her medicine, doing her hair and in most of these areas, not just assistance but total care.  She doesn't pick out her own outfits, she doesn't tell me what friend she wants to come play, she doesn't do crafts, she doesn't share secrets with girlfriends, she isn't begging me to take her to Justice or Aeropostale or to get her ears pierced.

On the other hand, Kellyanne loves to play with her Nook Tablet, the computer and Wii.   She loves to  go to church and Sunday School.  She loves her school and her teachers and her bus drivers. She smiles at everyone and only knows people as "friends". She loves to give hugs, sit next to anyone who will let her, and she is becoming quite the basketball fan for Eilis' HS team.  She doesn't hold a grudge, she doesn't know that she is different, if people say mean things about her, she wouldn't know it. She has no sense of time. She wakes up, gets dressed, eats breakfast, takes her medicine and goes wherever we send/take her. She rarely questions, if ever, she just goes. Kellyanne lives in the moment. She has no concept of a snow day, a day off from school, an upcoming weekend. She just trusts that when she wakes up we will be there and her day will be whatever it will be. And she is happy with that.

And now the truth....we are quickly approaching the time I was afraid of when she was first diagnosed. Full blown puberty!  We are taking her to a gynecologist who specializes in pediatrics and adolescents. Why are we going? To discuss how to handle the issues that she will soon be facing. The issues that most girls face with a little adjustment and a little embarrassment and maybe even a little fear. For Kellyanne, this is huge. How do you explain it? How do you help her make sense of it? How do you deal with it without screaming fits and wrestling matches? I think you know hat I am talking about.  So this Dr that we are going to will hopefully prepare us to prepare Kellyanne. Time continues to move, but Kellyanne stays stuck in a place of innocence and ignorance - a peaceful place on most days.

Kellyanne is to start Middle School next year. Another big change! I had every intention of keeping her in 5th grade for one more year, but now we are not so sure. It is most likely in her best interest to go. We will be visiting the program next month. I think she is ready to move on. I may not be ready for her to, but it's not about me.

I feel like I am all over the map here....but if I don't post it, who knows how long it will be until my next attempt.  There is still so much more I want to write, have to say, and things to get out of my head....but it will have to wait.

So Wow! Not sure what I wrote, how it flows or what the meaning of it is, but it's out and I have unblocked something. Hopefully writing won't be so hard in the near future.